Monday, October 1, 2012

How Get to Johannesburg In 22 Easy Steps

1) Purchase a ticket with a reasonable schedule: short afternoon flight to Atlanta, 8pm departure on nonstop flight to Johannesburg, arriving 5:30 the following day.
2) When your short afternoon flight gets delayed by 4 hrs, preventing you from making your Atlanta connection, you call Delta Airlines from airport to sort it out.
3) After you explain that you have to be in Johannesburg by Saturday morning to make your connection to Bulawayo, they reroute you on the following schedule:
       -Thursday evening flight to Atlanta
       -red-eye to Lagos, Nigeria, arriving at 4pm on Friday
       -another red-eye to Johannesburg, arriving at 5am Saturday
       -10:40am flight to Bulawayo.
4) When you think for a few minutes about the reality of spending two consecutive nights on red-eye flights and then playing a concert the same day you arrive, you figure there must be a better way.
5) You start wandering around the airport to see if there are any other flights to Atlanta.
6) You see an AirTran flight that is leaving for Atlanta in half an hour so you ask if it's full and the attendants say "almost".
7) Almost sounds really just fine at the moment, but alas they announce that they don't accept Delta tickets so you wander away.
8) You then look up the new itinerary that Delta sent you on your phone and see that they in fact did book you on an AirTran flight, but a later one--not this one that is leaving in half an hour.
9) You return to the AirTran counter to see if you can go stand-by on this flight since you do have an AirTran ticket after all.
10) The attendant looks it up and discovers that Delta has reserved the seat for you but has not paid for it.  They explain that you wouldn't even be able to get on the later flight unless Delta pays for the ticket.
11) You call Delta and after being put on hold for 10 minutes at a time (meanwhile, the current flight to Atlanta is boarding) you realize that the only way you can get on this flight is to hand the lady your credit card and just buy the ticket.
12) You tell the AirTran attendant that this is exactly what you need to do if Delta doesn't get their act together in time.
13) Finally Delta comes back on the line and explains that they are very sorry, but the rerouted schedule was created in error and you will not be able to take any AirTran flight because they don't have an agreement with AirTran.  You then quickly calculate that there is no possible way (using Delta) to get to Africa in time for your first concert.
14) When you explain to the Delta representative that you are going to buy the AirTran ticket so that you can make your connection, they say "Sorry, if you don't take your first Delta leg, you will not be able to get on the second leg of your trip."
14) Since you've already handed the AirTran attendant your credit card by this time, and have to actually board the flight because they are closing the doors, you explain to Delta that this their problem and they need to  figure it out in a hurry because you are in fact going to make your connection, and when you arrive in Atlanta, you sure as heck better be able to get on the flight that you have the ticket for.
15)  AirTran Goddess Jamie hustles you onto the plane at the last second and AirTran  Goddess Kathy makes sure that your carry-on bag stays in the cabin after the gate check Nazis try to commandeer it--"it's too big for you to carry on and you will conveniently be able to pick it up at baggage claim in Atlanta."
16) You step onto the plane realizing that you may never again see the luggage that you did check.
17) You hold your breath all the way to Atlanta, hoping that the plane will land in time.
18) You arrive in Atlanta 50 minutes before the departure of the Johannesburg flight, and of course you are three terminals over because you arrived on an AirTran domestic flight and you are leaving on an international Delta flight.  You tear through the airport and get to the gate as the last 20 people are lined up to board.
19)  You check in at the desk and of course they think you were not coming because the Delta representative you spoke to in Pittsburgh did not in fact make the proper arrangements for you.
20)  You about bite your tongue off when, after explaining that you bought an additional ticket on AirTran so you wouldn't miss your connection, the attendant says, "What? You missed your original flight?"
21)  They do give you a boarding pass, but immediately ask for volunteers to take a later flight since they had already given your seat away.  You shake your head when they offer a night in a hotel plus a $750 travel voucher--they would have saved a lot of money by paying for your AirTran ticket in the first place....  Inevitably, the seat of yours that they gave away was the aisle seat that you specifically called ahead to reserve and had to pay extra for.  Now you are stuck in the middle seat of the middle section of the airplane.
22) Nevertheless, you are relieved--and relaxed--for the first time since noon and so you do just as you are told: sit back, relax, and enjoy the flight.

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